Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30
Hello All!!
I'm back from all the months of being lost in the whirlwind of life. Many noteworthy events have come to pass in the months since I've written last! Some frustrating and some exciting, but all have been lessons God has used to teach me about what truly matters.
It never ceases to amaze me how much life can change in such a short period of time. I don't want to bore you with a lengthy telling of my life since September, so I'll try to recap briefly.
Since my last post we spent one insane week moving from our house in Sunbury to our new place of residence in Centerburg. Unfortunately, we had to move our stuff three different places because our house was having repairs done and wasn't ready to move into. I'm not gonna lie, it was one of the most stressful, exhausting, and frustrating weeks of my life! I have no idea why this particular move was so torturous, but it was! ( I can kinda giggle about it now at least)
After all THAT craziness, we moved in with my parents for about a month while waiting for our house to be ready. They were so gracious to us, and we really did enjoy the time we were able to spend with them.
Then, in the beginning of December we FINALLY got to move in (like 2 weeks after we were originally supposed too). Of course Christmas and New Years followed, and all the busyness and festivities that come with the holidays.
In March, more big news came about as we found out we are expecting our second child! This came as a shock at first but we are so excited to welcome a new little one into our family!
Slowly, we started getting our house put together and began to settle into a new stage of life. For those of you who have read my older posts, you know how devastated I was about leaving our other house. At the time, I felt like I was giving up so much, and I felt as if things were just not going to be the same. I felt like I was giving up a peice of our future. Looking back, It amazes me how little it matters now. Though I miss parts of it, like my big yard and having space for my animals, the sentimental attachment I thought I had to it is nowhere to be found. Whether God just took it from me, or it was never really as strong as I thought it was to begin with, I'm not sure. It's just not there. I look back fondly on the memories we have there and that's about it. I am not sorry to have moved on.
Living in this "new" house HAS been of an adjustment, don't get me wrong. This house is MUCH older and much smaller. It was built in the early 1800's, and at first glance you may even think it to be older than that! The porch is sinking really bad on one side, the old yellow paint is peeling of the wooden siding, and the whole house is so crooked that one of my kitchen drawers won't even stay closed. I have a lot less storage and a lot more dust. It truly is a RENTAL house. Old yucky carpet, cracks in the ceiling and walls, and major lack of sufficient electrical outlets are just the beginning of the things that are now an annoying part of our every day life.
There are times when I look around and think, "It's not so bad here." We have done our best to make it our home, and it is definitely better than when we moved in. I struggle daily though, with my attitude concerning this topic. My flesh and my pride scream at me every time I try to make it look really clean (and can't) or try to put things away that there just simple isn't enough storage space for! I get grumpy and frustrated. I usually am able to quickly retrieve my wayward thoughts and keep them from getting too out of control by finding things to be grateful for, but as I said, it's a struggle.
A lot of it goes back to my vanity. I know it does. See, I'll reveal another part of myself that I'm not real proud of. When I'm being completely honest and open, I have to admit that I SO desperately want my life to look put together on the outside. I WANT that nice little house with a neat yard, and a nice family car parked in the drive. I want to be that girl that always looks put together, who is trim and fit and has great hair. I want to always know the right thing to say. I want to be smart and witty, and yet humble and compassionate. I want to be the girl that everyone sees and thinks "Wow! I wonder how she does it?"
Ok, so basically, I want to be perfect! Haha...don't we all? The issue is that I am making life all about me. I am not condoning this, but admitting that I struggle with it in hopes you can relate and we can encourage each other. God has NOTcalled me to be perfect, and I know living my life trying to acheive that is ultimately not going to be pleasing to Him. The problem starts when I start SO desiring to have this perfect image, that it becomes more important than my desire to be reflecting the image of Christ.
I AM a perfectionist. You would never know it if you walked in my house right now and saw the piles of laundry on my dining room table, the dirt that needs swept off my stairs, and the pile of dishes in my sink, but deep down, I truly do wish I could have the life of "that girl" that just has it all together. This just about kills me sometimes! Trying to maintain that image is exhausting! And when I think my cover is going to be blown and that someone is going to see my life for the way it really is (as in when my dear husband invites someone over without telling me and my house is a disaster!) I PANIC!! It is much too stressful to try to keep up that perfect appearance, especially when your life looks like mine! lol.... My house is not much to speak of, my car is literally falling apart on the outside, my personal appearance is usually a far cry from what I would consider attractive, and now my child now has taken on the hobby of throwing fits in public! It's almost comical I know! I am SO far from that "perfection" that I feel is so important for me to achieve, and yet getting there feels so far out of reach.
So what are my options? The way I see it I have 3 of them. I either figure out a way to be perfect, I just give up and decide I don't care what my life looks like, or I seek God and trust that if I prioritize Him that all the rest will fall into place according to His will and His glory. There is such a valuable lesson here. I am still learning it every day.
See, I have lived a rather privileged life. I think just living in the good ole U.S. of A. gives us a bit of a sense of entitlement, but also I grew up never knowing what it was like to have needs (or usually even desires) go unmet. My parents worked hard, and they provided us with everything we ever could've wanted. "No" was not something we heard a whole lot of. Yes, of course they protected us, and they helped us make good choices, but we were the kids who had everything! Though I would like be able to say that this didn't spoil me, it did, at least a little. I grew up a grateful kid, don't get me wrong, but when you always "have", it's easy to start to take it for granted.
Now I am in a position where I can't have everything I want when I want it. Many of my dreams and desires have to be put on hold, some of them maybe never to be reached, and I guess it is a bit of a reality check to my rather spoiled lifestyle. I guess the problem with having everything is that it is much too easy to start forgetting about God. When you feel as if you can provide for yourself, then the need for a gracious Savior starts to fade away.
God has been teaching me so much through these past few months! I know I say that in every post, but that is the whole point of my blog! I am learning how to find good in a situation that, to my flesh, doesn't feel very pleasing. I am learning what it truly means to be content! I am learning that who I appear to be should be merely the shadow that is cast off from the light of God shining on my life. I truly CAN have internal peace about who I am. Who I am is SOO much more than my house, and my car, and my appearance. All of those things will fade and can be gone so quick, but the peace that passes all understanding from my Creator who resides in my heart, that is what is lasting. HE is the provider of all my needs! HE is the source of my joy!
What a revelation! So simple, yet so stunningly beautiful. As a Christian, we are taught over and over again how things aren't important and how our hearts can never be satisfied by them, but how often do we still try? How often do we try to fill those voids in our hearts with something other than God Himself? It is so easy to do, and often we don't even realize we've done it until our hearts are crying out that they are hungry for more.
I've given you a long list of all the things about this house that I don't like, let me tell you some of the things that I have found to be a gift.
I never thought I'd say this, but I actually like living in town. I can honestly say I am enjoying the small town life. It is so convenient to have everything in walking distance. We nice big trees in our yard and nice neighbors. We love going on long walks around town and sitting on our porch soaking up the warm evenings filled with the smell of bbq on the grill and kids out playing in their yards. Our house, though rather ancient, is filled with history and charm. It has 200 year old hard wood floor, 10 foot ceilings, and thick crown molding in almost every room. I have a first floor laundry room, and an attic to tuck things out of the way. The walls are now covered in pictures of our family and our life, and every room has a personal touch that makes it feel just a little more like home.
Ya know, the best parts about this house really have nothing to do with wood or walls. The best parts are the people who gather under this roof every night, the laughs that we share and the memories that we make, the burdens that we bear for each other, and the prayers that are lifted to the Father from our table at dinner time. They are the stories that are read over and over again and squeals from a cute little girl when her daddy gets home from work. Those are the things that are precious under this roof. Those are the things that I hold dear to my heart. Those are the things that I love about this "new" old house.
That is the same way it is with me, and to all of my Christian friends, you too. God has made me new. He has cleansed me and made me clean and beautiful inside. The outside is not what I wish it was, but my new self lives in an old house. That's just the way it is, at least until we get to Heaven. I may not be physically old yet, but this house is gonna crumble one day. The paint is gonna peel and foundation is gonna lean. My body is so temporary, and just like my old rental we live in, it is only a temporary residence for my soul. Just as we hope to leave this place one day in the not too distant future, my soul will leave my body and my body will be no more.
I pray that if you have ever struggled like I do, that this can give you hope and encouragement. I am so grateful to be in this place in my life, even if just for the reason that I am learning that my joy comes only from the Lord! It is the most freeing thing in the world to learn that no earthly thing can determine the outlook of my heart! No circumstances can steal what Christ has given to me!
I live in an old house, but its a "new" old house to me, and I'm determined to enjoy every day God gives me here!
Thanks for reading! I would love your feedback, comments, stories.... They mean so much to me!
God Bless all! I will try not to disappear for so long this time!
